We're getting better! Sort of.

TW&JYTS made it to our second episode! Although I fully exect to be replaced by Bosom Buddies any day now. Thrill as we gab about lewd e-mails, electrocution methods and the fear of plungers among the general populace.

Weaver and Jed is on the air!

It took us long enough, but we finally have our first episode of the Weaver and Jed YouTube Show in the net. Thrill as we BS for ten minutes! About nothing!



Weaver and Jed @ YouTube

Checking in.

I promise, soon we'll have new content up.  I'm hoping to have a podcast underway soon.  Stay tuned.

-Weaver

Weaver & Jed vs. Leonard Part 6 (presented on BadMovies.org)

I apologize for the lack of content on this site over the past few months.  Jed and I haven't had much time to watch stuff together for a while, and work often makes it hard to watch stuff on our own.  All is not bleak, however.  We did actually find time to review one film.

Bill Cosby's immortal flop, Leonard Part 6 was the target of our scorn.  We figured it would be in the best interest of the site if we submitted it to BadMovies.org, one of the internet's best bad film sites.  Luckily for us, the site's webmaster, Andrew Borntreger, saw fit to publish our review.

Head over to http://www.badmovies.org/othermovies/leonard6/ to read our review.

I promise, before the year is out, one of us will have a new article up.  I hope.

-Weaver

Jed vs. Alone in the Dark

Recently I made a purchase for which I am now very much ashamed. It's called Alone in the Dark, and I don't mean the video game. As a matter of fact I have never played the video game, though I have to believe it's better than this pile of rubbish.

Now I'm not going to jump on the typical bandwagon of calling this the "worst movie ever made" because it's not. That said, there's not a whole lot good I can say about it. The plot is paper thin and full of holes, there's continuity errors all over the place, the dialogue is utterly ridiculous, and there is just way too much CGI. In fact, for a horror movie it really wasn't scary at all. I did jump once during the film, but that was because the soundtrack got suddenly and unexpectantly loud at one point. If you have to rely on your musical score to get people to jump out of their seats, then you need a better plot.

The biggest problem with this fucking waste of my precious time however actually is not a what but a who. I'm talking of course about that lovable Hollywood fucktard Tara Reid. The dumbass couldn't act her way out of a paper bag and here she is playing the female lead, and an archaeologist no less. Imagine if you will a woman wearing big nerdy glasses and trying to look important and dignified while delivering dialogue in such a way that you're just waiting for a hearty "totally, like, for sure!" to follow up every line she delivers. It's ludicrous. Fucking ludicrous.

Of course I really should have expected it coming from Uwe Boll, a man who has made virtually every good gaming franchise into a turd of a movie. I'm waiting for Halo: the movie, starring Whoopie Goldberg, Dan Akroyd, Peter Graves, Verne Troyer, and Tara Fucking Reid again for good measure to be next on his filmography.

Fire the writers, hire Samuel L. Jackson and Rose McGowan to play the leads, use more subtle imagery and less in-your-face computerized shit, and most importantly get someone good to direct it like Peter Jackson or Sam Raimi, and this might have turned out a decent film. Instead, this movie just plain sucks. And not in a positive, life-affirming way.

-Jed
Wizard of Smart

Weaver vs. Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt

I hold in my hand a can of Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt: Asian Experience. Upon coming across a shelf full of 8.4 oz cans a while back at Big Lots, I have dreaded the moment when I would have to down this...drink. You may ask yourself why I would even subject myself to such torture, if the Agony Booth review of SSLB:AE is to be believed Honestly, it is simply to point out that I am willing to do anything to make a complete ass of myself, and for the reader of this blog.

Upon opening the can, I am hit with the overwhelming scent of...vinegar. Yeah, vinegar. After making sure I haven't accidently opened the product of a mix up at the canning factory, I soldier on. Pouring some of the contents onto the lip of the can, I can see that the "drink" appears to resemble carbonated piss, even moreso than, say, Mountain Dew.



The first sip evokes much the same reaction of the AB reviewer, like someone opened all of the cans of fruit in a supermarket, then dumped the pear, peach, orange, cherry, coconut milk, pineapple...hell, I think I tasted green beans...in a single container, then added soda water.

I've got a bit of aftertaste now, and I think I'm about to have to cut my tounge out. It won't be so bad, as I can NO LONGER FEEL IT!

Half the can is gone, and I'm now beginning to feel woozy and weak, and a new flavor has began to surface: dishwater. It's like I just finished the dishes after a three course meal, then dumped the dish liquid and food stuffs down my gullet.



The deed is done. I'm queezy, weary-eyed and ...tired. Energy drinks aren't supposed to do that, I thought...then it hit me. Steven Segal didn't create this to invigorate people, he created SSLB:AE to weaken his enemies before he snaps their necks. I think my conclusion is quite easy to reach.... I have fallen into a cunning trap set by Steven Segal, at fifty cents, I overpaid, and finally...

I'm a complete fucking idiot.

-Weaver

P.S. I originally posted this on the Rotten Tomatoes Off Topic forum on February 1st of this year.  I've reposted it to a) allow people who hadn't read it to do so and b) to reinforce the fact that I am a complete fucking idiot.  By the way, I also have a can of Cherry Charge in the deep recesses of my fridge.  I don't plan on testing that anytime soon.

Weaver & Jed vs. Themselves

W: My name is Andrew Weaver, 22, a Libra, a member of the AriZona Tea Drinkers Fan Club, straight dude and a drug-free guy, despite what those who know me would say.

J: My name is Jeremy "Jed" Siple, , 21, a Gemini and out and proud homosexual who enjoys watching NASCAR racing (tell me the last time you heard that).  I also am drug free no matter what my criminal record says.

W: Together...WE FIGHT CRIME!  Ok, not really, but it sure beats "we work dead end job in the middle of nowhere" doesn't it.  Jed and I met in 2002 at Jeff Tech in Reynoldsville, PA.  He had just transfered there from another precinct, a brash rookie, and I was the aging veteran only three days from retirement.
J: What a load of bullshit!  I actually came from Brockway Area Hell District after putting up with the intollerable queer bashing and there met Weaver, my life partner, er, best friend.  Together we have been reviewing and ridiculing the worst in pop culture and elsewear ever since.  We watch the worst movies, listen to the worst music, and play the worst video games.  We need help.
W: I'm to blame for the bad movies.  I pointed his mouse to BadMovies.org and he's never been the same since.  To think, if it weren't for me, he'd be a well paid accountant doing favors for closeted homosexuals, instead of a catalog rep for a department store doing favors for out homosexuals.  Vast difference.

J: After getting together at his house one night, we suddenly came up with a plan.  A plan so groundbreaking, so revolutionary, so visionary, 50 Deadhead stoners in their most amazing trip could not have conceived it.  And that plan was:  we really need to blog this shit!
W: This is the result: SUBSTANDROTRON!  So named for a really bad Transformers rip-off called Transmogrifiers.  Instead of coming from Cybertron, these guys come from SUBSTANDROTRON!  Therefore, SUBSTANDROTRON is the home base for the ultimate in crap: movies, TV, music, sports, wrestling, toys, and all the rest of the stuff no one else online will touch...except everyone else who blogs about this shit.

...

SUBSTANDROTRON!!!

J: Stop it.  Anyway, we hope you enjoy our blog.  We hope that every time you watch Barbarella, every time you listen to William Shatner try to sing, every time you drink a refreshing can of Stephen Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, hopefully you'll think of us.  And cry.
W: Big, wet tears of suck.  That sounded wrong, didn't it?
J: Yes, it did.
W: ...I'm cool with that.

Weaver & Jed