Weaver vs. Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt

I hold in my hand a can of Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt: Asian Experience. Upon coming across a shelf full of 8.4 oz cans a while back at Big Lots, I have dreaded the moment when I would have to down this...drink. You may ask yourself why I would even subject myself to such torture, if the Agony Booth review of SSLB:AE is to be believed Honestly, it is simply to point out that I am willing to do anything to make a complete ass of myself, and for the reader of this blog.

Upon opening the can, I am hit with the overwhelming scent of...vinegar. Yeah, vinegar. After making sure I haven't accidently opened the product of a mix up at the canning factory, I soldier on. Pouring some of the contents onto the lip of the can, I can see that the "drink" appears to resemble carbonated piss, even moreso than, say, Mountain Dew.



The first sip evokes much the same reaction of the AB reviewer, like someone opened all of the cans of fruit in a supermarket, then dumped the pear, peach, orange, cherry, coconut milk, pineapple...hell, I think I tasted green beans...in a single container, then added soda water.

I've got a bit of aftertaste now, and I think I'm about to have to cut my tounge out. It won't be so bad, as I can NO LONGER FEEL IT!

Half the can is gone, and I'm now beginning to feel woozy and weak, and a new flavor has began to surface: dishwater. It's like I just finished the dishes after a three course meal, then dumped the dish liquid and food stuffs down my gullet.



The deed is done. I'm queezy, weary-eyed and ...tired. Energy drinks aren't supposed to do that, I thought...then it hit me. Steven Segal didn't create this to invigorate people, he created SSLB:AE to weaken his enemies before he snaps their necks. I think my conclusion is quite easy to reach.... I have fallen into a cunning trap set by Steven Segal, at fifty cents, I overpaid, and finally...

I'm a complete fucking idiot.

-Weaver

P.S. I originally posted this on the Rotten Tomatoes Off Topic forum on February 1st of this year.  I've reposted it to a) allow people who hadn't read it to do so and b) to reinforce the fact that I am a complete fucking idiot.  By the way, I also have a can of Cherry Charge in the deep recesses of my fridge.  I don't plan on testing that anytime soon.