Jed vs. Alone in the Dark

Recently I made a purchase for which I am now very much ashamed. It's called Alone in the Dark, and I don't mean the video game. As a matter of fact I have never played the video game, though I have to believe it's better than this pile of rubbish.

Now I'm not going to jump on the typical bandwagon of calling this the "worst movie ever made" because it's not. That said, there's not a whole lot good I can say about it. The plot is paper thin and full of holes, there's continuity errors all over the place, the dialogue is utterly ridiculous, and there is just way too much CGI. In fact, for a horror movie it really wasn't scary at all. I did jump once during the film, but that was because the soundtrack got suddenly and unexpectantly loud at one point. If you have to rely on your musical score to get people to jump out of their seats, then you need a better plot.

The biggest problem with this fucking waste of my precious time however actually is not a what but a who. I'm talking of course about that lovable Hollywood fucktard Tara Reid. The dumbass couldn't act her way out of a paper bag and here she is playing the female lead, and an archaeologist no less. Imagine if you will a woman wearing big nerdy glasses and trying to look important and dignified while delivering dialogue in such a way that you're just waiting for a hearty "totally, like, for sure!" to follow up every line she delivers. It's ludicrous. Fucking ludicrous.

Of course I really should have expected it coming from Uwe Boll, a man who has made virtually every good gaming franchise into a turd of a movie. I'm waiting for Halo: the movie, starring Whoopie Goldberg, Dan Akroyd, Peter Graves, Verne Troyer, and Tara Fucking Reid again for good measure to be next on his filmography.

Fire the writers, hire Samuel L. Jackson and Rose McGowan to play the leads, use more subtle imagery and less in-your-face computerized shit, and most importantly get someone good to direct it like Peter Jackson or Sam Raimi, and this might have turned out a decent film. Instead, this movie just plain sucks. And not in a positive, life-affirming way.

-Jed
Wizard of Smart